My life has become a paper.

At this stage of life,  when I have everything but nothing actually,  I feel as if I am not the victim but the culprit of my situations.  I have committed a crime of being into a relationship of marriage, that so many females do but how many are happy with it. I don't think even half of it.  Today when I want to breathe, to live,  to think about myself and my son's future,  seems as if the whole of the world is against me.  No matter where I go,  whom I talk or approach,  everyone thinks of his own benefit even before they bother to reply to me.

Be it a police officer,  advocate sitting in a government office,  front desk person who is responsible for taking the complaints in women's cell or a neighbor who is aware of my existing situation which I have neither wanted nor invited still I am bearing bcoz I am a female.  That's the only and biggest crime of my life,  for which I am not responsible.  I haven't slept well for so many months due to the harassment and pressure of my better half.

Bearing all the atrocities of life which I have never even thought of,  be it mental,  physical,  financial or psychological to break me down so that I cannot stand up for my rights. Forget about rights, there is no chance for me to live. I want to change the way people think, but how.  This is no episode of any novel or something,  but the reality of my life which has turned into hell due to the selfish interests of one or the other person whom I trusted.  My child is my responsibility which is the only thing I am happy about,  but how should I bear my responsibility when I am being pressurized from 5 corners of life. Yes, 4 corners of my physical existence and something which is dying inside me every moment. How to handle frustration? 

Today was the day of the result in the school of my son, an important day of any parent' s life,  which I spent crying helplessly in my home.  Rather than going to school, enjoying it and celebrating. Just because his father doesn't want to pay his fee and the dues have piled up for the last 3 months,  only to pressurize me to give him the money as a price of my liberty. Neither he is bothered about the result nor interested in as his only interest is his own welfare. The kid is the excuse which he uses to play in front of society. Thank god my son is still small to ask about his result,  but I can't make him sit at home and not going to school in the next class.

But how will I arrange for payment of dues, admission to the next class, a new set of books,  uniform and other things which cannot be ignored? Even though I am capable and educated to earn, my situation has made my handicap. I got tired of taking help from my parents who are old and have their illness to spent upon. But no parents can see their child in suffering. Like I can't see mine, they can't see theirs. I am only left with 5 days in hand,  in which case needs to be filed in court, some relief should be received in terms of finance and my son has to be admitted to the next class.  But I have no clue about anything and how it will happen.

My life partner has been after my property so he has taken the papers of the property.  I kept running to arrange it. In the meantime,  incidents and violence happened which demanded action and papers were created either in the police station or in other departments. I again keep applying for the copies of those,  by writing a few more papers. Advocate wanted hard copies of all the things related to the case,  so I keep running for collecting the papers for the court case. The only thing that I want to be done in the court is divorce papers. But till then, maybe I remain buried under the bunch of endless papers.

The only thing which I understood in my life is that the value of life is actually nothing. The value lies in papers,  be it documents or currency. Every relationship and every situation comes to an end in papers. Right now I'm dying to get some paper currency so that I can get the result of my son and get the admission done to next class. I am fighting an endless battle with my situation where I want to get rid of my selfish spouse and want the written confirmation on paper. I have no idea how long will it take me to breathe freely without any pressure. I have no control over my problems in which I am ending portions of myself every moment.  I have no clue when would I be able to wake up after a comfortable sleep.

I know so many people and I have a big network which is never liked by the person whom I got married to. No matter he also has come from the same source but then he always wanted a hen who lays golden eggs. I have spent the precious time of my life in making his life and home but I have only lost whatever belonged to me. When I go to someone for action or help and they tell me to be patient.  I really don't understand how should I do it and from where to get the strength. In addition to which,  there is no end to such wait. I wish I could, turn back the wheel of time. How can you tell a dying person to keep waiting for life and collect the things to be alive,  also to keep suffering every time simultaneously. If it is the only option to survive in the society,  then I think I am not suitable to live any more in such a world where I can't breathe even.  Maybe this is my last post,  but I want to advise every female to not keep waiting for the end.  Just raise your voice and take action yourself as soon as you feel the suffocation. When no one else is standing by you,  then no one else will dare to stand against you.